Oh well....[EASTER 2013]

Oh well...

hello everyone, I am REALLY sorry, I dint post for such a long time.
For once, I had people reading my blog, finally being able to not only write down what I feel and think, but actually receive FEEDBACK and helpful advice on my matters.

And I screwed up, but still, thanks for linking me, my beautiful Kat!

Anyways, I have SO MUCH going on in my life right now, that I really didnt have time to blog lately.
Just think:

- EXAMs,exams,exams.... (passed all of them so far :) )

- Writing applications (hopefully been succesfull)

- Only 3 Month left with training (scary!)

- being sick (again -.-)

- and occupied with ED.... (no comment necessary)

...and alot more.

Whatever, I thought it was time to blog again anyways, 

because I am really grateful  for all your helpful and really honest  comments on my last post!

 Even though I kinda think that some of you didnt really understand, what I was trying to express. 

(in that case I wanna destroy the thought of me spreding thinspo! Its not thinspo, its actually just pictures of me! I wanted to make the post more appealing and less wordy,thats ALL! Thanks.)

So lets talk about something better, I AM CATHOLIC; since you all know,

and its Easter time again :)

Tomorrow is Good Friday, which means its one of the most important holidays in the year,
BUT
-surprise,surprise- I obviously have to work.
Like the whole easter-weekend. From this tuesday to next tuesday, but whatevs, Ill still have a good time and go to church after the holidays. Thats ok.

Since I am grown up we dont have Easter traditions (other than church)  anymore, cause its just my mum and me. My brother lives in Hungary and my dad is...welll...not really willing to spend time with us.
Other than that, I always have to work on holidays anyways.

BUT I really love some things about easter time and Im gonna share them with you:

1. 

(usually) spring is all around (pic above) I can spend time with my plants, gardening, which I absolutely LOVE and spend lots of time outside, going for walks with the dog or just by myself. It smells soooo good!
[ok, this year is different, we have had snow this morning :D]

2.

 Eierlikör (english: advocaat)

I donno, if you all know it, but its a high-calorie liquor made from eggs. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE it, but its rare.
I mean; you can theorethically get it all year round, but its cheap around easter time and there is tons of candys and chocolates,cakes,ice-creams and cookies filled with it.

U usually cant get them any other time of the year, so I always taste them all and decide on a favoite.
This year its these eggs from ALDI (for all readers that live in Germany) and its only 0,99EUR for a bag!

3. 

Eggs 

Okay, eggs are there all year round, but for easter time its special. At least for me.

So here we go, colored and boiled eggs are a must-have for easter time!

 

Okay, I gotta go to work...

So what do you like best about easter?

Do you celebrate?

Do you have to work?

Back on track?!?!

Hi everyone!

Just a reminder, I am still alive ;)

Well, it wasnt really looking like I would be today, to be honest.
I have been going through a really hard time, since hearing, that I wont keep my job
and might possibly be jobless in 4 month.
BUT it all seems to get better now: I have some seriously GOOD news and happenings coming up.
But [pssssst!] I cant tell ya yet, cause it might be bad luck ;)
So just please wish me luck for the next weeks and keep ur fingers crossed, that Ill pass my exams.

My way is going into the light ;)

Anyways,

It was my birthday on sunday and I had a fabulous time in the Netherlands shopping with my mum.

I also got lots of great presents, which the best was definitely a package from my old hostfamily from Canada! - LOTS OF LOVE!

birthday tradition: SCRATCH "N" WIN!!

Otherwise, I got a great new blazer, whcih is white and kinda "buisness-chanel-style" and it totally fits my occupation as a manageres. :)

me on my birthday last year - PARIS,France

Other than that, I cried,screamed,yelled and fought a lot with myself lately, which makes me really sad.

Its a weird thing that happens to me right now, that has never ever happened before and I feel really bad.

Well, I am suffering from anorexia since 12 years by now and I usually starve myself to (near) death, or well until feeding tube,hospitalisation or impatient is the only option left for me.
I used to purge,too but I never had huge feeding attacks like bulimics do.
(Just that eating half of a normal portion, feels like a feest to me)

Ive also come to experience alot of chewing-and-spitting:
Anyways, lately I feel super-hungry and starved ALL.AT.THE.TIME.



 

I feel like that little-fatty-goat inf ront, but I am the girl, feeing them!

And I keep being disciplined like usually,
but then, sometimes, it just overcomes me.
and I eat X00 or X00 calories more than regularly.

I know this isnt alot,
but for me its sooo much and then I feel bad, really bad,
but Ive promised my mum and god;
to never puke again on purpose, so I cant do it.

That leaves me angry and feeling like a pig that stuffs itself all the time.
Its almost like I can feel the fat grow on my thighs.

I KNOW that this is bullshit, technically.

But it freaks me out. Especially because it makes me panic and gives me really intense shivers, nightmares, cry-attacks and I am almost like in a kind of trance for hours!

Then, when I have come down (usually the next morning) I see what I have done. My thighs and belly are green,yellow and blue and it looks like I am getting abused by a Wrestler. Thats how intense the bruses are.
Do I have to consider myself a binge-eater now?

Its such a vicious cylce and it only goes on since a weeek, but it feels like forever already.
I just wanna get out of it.
I dont wanna binge. I wanna be normal.

Any tips on how to overcome binge-eating-phases?

Ende. [german noun: The end]

yes,u got it right.
I feel like life is over.
I got fired. Not directly, but  my company told me that they will not keep me as a manageress after my apprenticeship is done in 4 month.
So in 4 month, I wont have

- a job
- money
- my apartment
- anything to do.

Because, well I basicly sacrified my whole (social)-LIFE for trying to be the best manageress, I could.
I am working lots of nightshifts, but also dayshifts and every weekend and holiday, so that makes it kinda impossible to meet friends, go out, have a working relationship or a hobby.
I only work, study and sleep.
With my apprenticeship ending, I knew there would be a little hole, I would fall into, because studing wouldnt be necessary anymore. So I would have needed a Hobby.
But oh well, thats easy.

But now, that I know, that they wont keep me, I wont have anything anymore. My days will be completely empty, instead of packed with things-to-do to the max.

Look for a new job, youll say.
Okay, I did.
I already sent applications to some places.
But honestly?
I am so down and done, I feel like I am not able to build up something new again.
To try my hardest to show a new boss, that I am a hard-worker and capable of all the things they want me to do.  To meet new co-workers, build up respect again, find out about all the little importances that a new company has in store, for everything.
I dont even feel capable of writing an application.
Because how will u let someone know, youre the only one for the job, the perfect new employee,
when you hate yourself and have no confidence?!
kinda difficult,hmm?

Well, my mum wants me to go into treatment again.
I dont.
I dont even know where to go.
Ive tried so much in the last years, that didnt help with my ED, I dont think there is a place where they can cure me.
Hospitals,feeding-tubes,Psycho-clinics,ED-centers,therapists,nutritionists,holidays...
what else is there?
Everywhere they just wanted me to gain weight and then start talking, but honestly I can only gain, when I started talking an coping.Doesnt that make more sense?!
And I dont even know how much they would want me to gain...I dont even know my weight.
Really, I havent been on a scale for over A YEAR now, since last time, I went to a hospital.
And I wanna keep that up.
But with going into treatment again, that wouldnt be possible.

YAYYYYYY :)

.....I JUST PASSED MY FIRST FINAL!!! :)

yay, for that, cause passing it is essential for being able to take part in my finals for completing my management degree :)
AND that will be in exactly 3 month!
Its sooo super-crazy. I cant believe and especially havent realized AT ALL that I will be done with being a trainee in just a quarter or a year! AMAZING!
Aaaand scary...
scary,cause noone know what comes next. What to do afterwards.
Will I pass?
Will I get a good mark?
Will I get a good resume?

Will I find a job?



Questions over questions...
but someone, I am sure, know the answer.
And that is god.

this is made from flowers - "Where god is, there is future"

Today, before going to my exam, I went to church and took part of a service.
I love going to church. I mean I am born and raised catholic, going to church is essential.
And it gives me so much strength, hope and faith, everytime I go.
It just seems to speed up my energy-level and gets rid of all the tiredness, I had before- its simply amazing!

Thank you :)

ED and Relationships,men, my life

Hey everyone :)
Yes,yes, I AM STILL ALIVE ! 
But I dont have an internet connection in my new apartment and to be honest, I wanna save the money for a contract, that would be 20 Euros/month.
My mum has a flatrate and I stored my notebook at hers, so I can use it whenever I visit: Also, there is a very cheap Internet cafe (open from 8am- 1am) around the corner for major cases of surveire Internet withdrawal haha
But it is better like this anyways, because whenever I am not working (which is very rare btw.) I NEED to study and Internet definiteky always used to be my main major distraction. So since I have one huge final coming up and my 2 last ones in the upcoming months, in order to finish my management degree, it is better that way. Also when you look at my status update below, you yan tell that I didnt get THAT far, so without the WWW its already hard enough to keep my s**** together.

Status update:  

Apartment .... comfy but NOWHERE close to being finished/furnished

School ..... half way done for this week "Bergfest" like we say in Germany, last half a year starts next 
                        week, getting my report card tomorrow or friday :)

Apprenticeship ..... nearly done! Only 5 month left!Woot!Woot!!!!

Studying ... nearly done with studying for No#1 of my super-important final exams (next week)
                          *keep fingers crossed*

ED ... well,uhmmm,not making any progress (at least not in the RIGHT direction)


well thats it so far. I wish I would have taken some pictures of my unfinished apartment, BUT i wanna save it to when I am completely done and finished.
So I  am off again, to study and to go out with a male "friend" (or more?!) tomorrow.

Oh btw "male friends" is a huge topic right now.
My ex-howeveryouwannacallourrelation-guy (i call him "friend-with-benefits" or "friendship-plus", he called me his girlfriend) keeps calling me and trying to push me to "get-back-(in bed)-together" and that scares the hell outta me.

 

 

already scared of men? [2010]

He is Arabian and I am not promoting any prejudices here, but he tended to be really aggressive and forcing most off the times. He was also able to be sweet and loving and definitely had some REAL qualities (if you know what I mean haha), but most of the time he was jealous and possesive, which was a reason, why I didnt wanna see him again.
But the main reason was probably that  one night, when he was really hammered, he forced me to do things I didnt want to that night, because I knew that wouldnt end well, whenever he was drunk.
Beacause in that case, he would get really aggressive and it wouldnt be great as usual, it would hurt and I would feel really dirty and bad.

Whatever this is really personal, but noone know me in the world wide web and I donno who else to tell.
So since that night, when he hurt me real bad (so bad, I had to be in the hospital for a few days and even get an I-V) I am kinda scared of letting men close.
I mean, I am a women, just like anyone else and I do have human feelings, cravings and needs, BUT I am super scared as well.
I dont want that to happen again and I KNOW that my "male-more-that-friend-friend" would never do something like that,cause he is just the complete opposite.
Still, I am scared.
Also scared, that he will find me disgusting, so I dont wanna go to a place where I would have to undress, even though, I want to, on the other side.
Ive shed quite a few pounds since I "broke up" with the other one and I think that the hurts, he gave me, is the reason for that. But I know (even though I dont see it myself) I am disgustingly thin and boney and I am scared he is going to be disgusted.
Oh my why the f am I writing all this, now most of you will think bad of me and wont understand maybe,
but this is a blog of someone who lives with an ED and tries to make the best out of it, so this topic must me part of it.
ED and Relationship.
ED and Men.
ED and Mary.
ED and Me.

Moved.

Ive moved into my own apartment about a week ago, I dont have an internet connection yet, but as soon as I do, Ill post some pictures of my new place!
It has already turned out beautiful after copeless amounts of work, Ive put into it so far, but working full time and renovating can be super-stressful, so I am glad, I got a day off tomorrow on which Ive to help my mommy with her move) but alrighty....

Welll the only thing, that kinda bothers me is that it is super quiet and my cats are still kinda traumatised by the move, but oh well. Thats gonna be alright soon. At least they already snuggle in bed with me. :)

xooxo, stay tuned,
Mary

I should be...[party of my story #xXx]

There is alot of things I should be thankful for.
There is alot of things I am thankful for.
But there is one thing I should be thankful for, but I am not.

My job.

This is the story why I should be thankful for having it, but am unhappy.

First I thought, I couldnt write this post. I couldnt open up here, where I am so exposed to everyone about it. I was scared, someone who knows me, would read it. Someone who works with me.
But then, I thought, it would help me and why not share it?!

My company is known for hiring people that probably wont get the chance to find a job somewhere else.
Its not a great job, but it can be real fun sometimes.
Any it becomes even better, when you know, that you dont really have any other opportunities.

It was in May, about 2 years ago.
I just left my brothers graduation. I was all dolled up and I felt pretty for once.
Even though I had spent weeks, to find something to wear. Nothing that was appropriate would fit me. Fancy dresses looked like I was a kid playing "dress up".
But still, I was feeling pretty and was prepared to have a great time, seeing all my old classmates and teachers (my brother and I used to be in the same grade) again.
I left early. Right after the official part had ended. The afternoon had been awful.
Yes, I met my old friends and teachers again, but everyone kept asking the same:


"Oh." was the first word everyone said to me, which was accompanied by a pitiful look.
"Arent you dissappointed now?"  [why should I be disappointed?!]
"I mean, that your brother has Abitur* now and YOU dont?!"
"You can be so proud of your brother, he did so well. Very sad that you didnt."
Another glass champagne. Another cigarrette.
"Wow your son did so well, he just held a speech in front of all this people!Amazing! Is that your daughter?! Wow...ehmm..well...she changed alot."
Another drink.Another cigarette.
A: "OMG, look at Mary, I didnt think the 3.WW was still going on!"
B: "OMG youre right.Ewwww!"
Another cigarette. Feeling tipsy by now.

That was enough. I left.

I was standing outside, at the parking lot. Waiting for my mom to drive me home. I looked down on me, looked at all these kids, that just graded and that would live their live to the fullest from now on.
They would be able to go to University with their Abitur* and I wouldnt.
I had felt so proud just a year ago, when I graded with a minor degree, but nothing was left from that anymore, by now.
I felt like a major failure and innocently reached for my nose. It still felt sore and while itching it, I got mad.
I got mad at all these people in there, that only saw my appearance. That saw me as someone, who failed.
Even though, I had archieved lots lately.
Yes, I had. My nose was itchy, but I was able to breath free.
Two days ago, that had been different. I had a little plastic tube stuck in there, that went from my nose right into to my stomach.  It had been connected to a plastic bag, filled with liquid nutrients.
And it had been pulled after 4 weeks of being fed. They trusted me enough to feed my own again.

So why was everyone complaining?

I have had to give up school for hospitalization, but I managed to get an apprenticeship after.
I have had to give up that again, for hospitalization and went from one threatment center to another hospital, BUT i was still alive.And not depending on a plastic tube anymore.
I was gonna show them.
I was gonna show everyone, that I am not unsuccessful and a failure.
 That I could be successful, too. Not only my brother.

And I decided to do something now. In that moment. I asked my mum to go to a Fast Food restaurant with me, to get a Sundae.
Yes, a SUNDAE!at.a.FAST.FOOD.place!

While I was looking for my money, I saw a flyer: "We are looking for coworkers"

to be continued...