bottomless pit?

Hi there. Thanks for reading and commenting, I love you lots for that, i really appreciate your opinions and enjoy reading them lots :)

Right now, despite all your beautiful tips and encouragement, I still feel like everything is going down.
I#m super unhappy right now and sadly all my attempts to change that, dont seem to work out.

I hate my job.
Well, lets say I hate my boss.
I can#t stand the unreasonability anymore. I cant stand that she yells at me all the time (for nothing) anymore.
That she always vents her anger on me, no matter if shes just on smoke-withdrawal or didnt sleep well.
That she compares me to another girl, that doesnt work as good as I do and I am still worse in her eyes.
I cant stand that the other girl always wins praise for things I did.
And more over, that I always get in trouble for things, the other one has done wrong,
its so unfair!

Right now I am on holidays, but I wish I would never have to go back.
I just need some encouragement, some praise for what I do.
But the opposite is the case:
No matter how hard I work, no matter how good my marks are, its still not good enough.
There is so much pressure, that they put on me, that I dont think I can handle it anymore.

It worsens my state of mind (esp. ED-wise) day to day.
I noticed, that I am slipping off track lately and that the last 2 weeks have done alot of harm to me.
I dont know how to get thru this for another year, without breaking down.
I really dont.

I dont eat, I dont sleep, I am depressed.
And that sucks.
I know that I need to get help, that I am seriously getting sick again and I dont know how I should gain back my strength without help from outside.
But on the other hand, I dont wanna admit that.
That I am sick, that I need help.
Because I am underweight. No doubt on that one, but not as seriously underweight as I used to be.
So I feel like, if I would admit to needing help, everyone would laugh.
They wouldnt understand.
Because I feel, like they wouldnt see. 
Like they would think: "wtf? she doenst look seriously ill, not threatening anorexic, like she used to be, why does she think, she needs help?maybe she needs attention, but thats it. she should suck it up."

you get that? For me I am not sick, not allowed to get help, because I dont weigh xx anymore.
It all sucks.
I can just wait. Sit here and wait that it might get better, or worse to a state where I will get help without asking for it.
I donno.
Its a bottomless pit...

my story - part 3

Hi everyone out there!
Ive noticed, Ive got quite a few readers and I am sorry to disappoint you guys and not write lately.
But like I said, I was really sick and didnt really have the chance/strength to do so.

Thank you for everyone that wished me well, that really means alot to me.
By today, I can gladly say I am on my way and I am slowly getting better :)

Anyways, so today I want to go on with my story, finally.

- Part 3 -

So well, my body couldnt gain so much in so little time.
My mind couldnt either. A few kgs or lbs were ok,but not so many.
Christmas time was rollin around.Nearly everyone, I cared about at the clinic, was planned to get released in order to be home in time to celebrate with their families.
(I mean, there were moms and dads between the patients so I can totally understand.)
I wasnt.
I wasnt even allowed to go home for a day on Christmas.
I was supposed to get visited.
That deprived me,but Christmas had never been that important in my family anyways, so I really didnt care that much. The only thing that seriously worried me, was that I wouldnt be able to be visited.

the snowstorm came...

The news were rambling everyday, that a  
huge snowstorm would come up soon and
last until the end of the year.
 (That was around mid/late December)
I was terrified.
 
Alone in that huge building on Christmas, noone around exept some nurse from time to time.
My mum wouldnt drive, if the snow gets too crazy, I knew that. She said it.




So one eve, after watching the News with everyone in our little "living room", I called home.
I asked my mum, if she would pick me up the next day.
I explained it to her and she understood.

I am still sorry, I put her in those situations though.She had to make some of the toughest decisions of her life:

Do I want my daughter, my only one, to be alone on Christmas and me too?
Do I want her in the clinic, save , but depressed,sad and on her own?
Do I want her home, but still be sick and scarily underweight, but at least not lonely and less depressed?

She decided to take me home.
To feed me.
Bought ensures, made me drink them.
And I was willing to do so.
(You have to know that my mums a doctor and for the sake of that, the clinic was "willing" to release me)

Through the festivities, the company of the people I love and that love me, I gained 3kg being home.
By new years eve they were gone again.
I dont know why, I dont know how.
I was on a really good way, mentally and physically. I ate properly, I felt good. I gained weight, I was proud that I would meet the criteria I had to get back to work, but...
...I screwed up!

I donno, I suddenly got scared, puked and it was gone.
I guess it kinda gave me an insurance, that if I wanted, I could gain and loose.
That I am still owner of my body. That I am the one that pulls the strings.
Not some therapist, no doctor, nor my mum or anyone else.
If I wanted to recover, I would do so.
(I thought)
Obviously that was stupid.
Really stupid.
Because by the time, the new year had begun, my weight was lower than when I left work at the hotel.
And I only had a month left to gain it back, or the hotel director wouldnt take me back.
I panicked.

So my mom called the clinic again, begged to take me in again. Begged, so that I would go again.
So I promised, convinced them, I would work with them, not against them anymore.
I went back. After only being home for what? like 3 or 4 weeks?
I definitely felt like a major failure now.
Especially, because I still knew a couple of the other patients that were still there and had only taken "clinic holliday" over christmas. It was crazy..
Anyways, same contract, same everything.

5 weeks later I got sent home, because I didnt meet the contract.
I didnt gain enough and I went outside again without being allowed to do so.
But mostly didnt gain enough.
Thats it.
"End of story.", I thought. 

Its not.
Otherwise I wouldnt be writing now.
And Ill go on.In a few days or a week  maybe. But thats enough for now, its always pretty tough to write it all down, cause I feel like I am reliving all these situations again, while in the same time, they seem so super-far away and blurry to me.
Weird, but helpful.

xoxo,
Mary

sickooooo...

Hi everyone!
Nope, I didnt forget my blog and I didnt forget to update my story.
And for once, I didnt post at all,cause I was working.

I am sick.
Really,really sick.

I mean like,I didnt "catch the flu" or so, Ive been at the hospital all last weekend and home all week. They wanted to keep me there all week, but I begged to go to work.
But on Tuesday I couldnt go, so I had to call in sick.
I havent really moved since then and I am feeling quite awful.
Its pretty shameful, but I guess and I truly truly hope Ill be able to work on Monday, cause I feel so bad, not being there to help. I know  thats stupid cause It would be really risky for my on health and for the sake of others to go in, but what can u do,I got the biggest (unreasonable) bad conciousness you can imagine...

Whatever stay tuned, there will be more updates on this blog soon.
:)
Mary

Mia has grown so much...its crazy.