Hi everyone!
Just a reminder, I am still alive ;)
Well, it wasnt really looking like I would be today, to be honest.
I have been going through a really hard time, since hearing, that I wont keep my job
and might possibly be jobless in 4 month.
BUT it all seems to get better now: I have some seriously GOOD news and happenings coming up.
But [pssssst!] I cant tell ya yet, cause it might be bad luck ;)
So just please wish me luck for the next weeks and keep ur fingers crossed, that Ill pass my exams.
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| My way is going into the light ;) |
Anyways,
It was my birthday on sunday and I had a fabulous time in the Netherlands shopping with my mum.
I also got lots of great presents, which the best was definitely a package from my old hostfamily from Canada! - LOTS OF LOVE!
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| birthday tradition: SCRATCH "N" WIN!! |
Otherwise, I got a great new blazer, whcih is white and kinda "buisness-chanel-style" and it totally fits my occupation as a manageres. :)
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| me on my birthday last year - PARIS,France |
Its a weird thing that happens to me right now, that has never ever happened before and I feel really bad.
Well, I am suffering from anorexia since 12 years by now and I usually starve myself to (near) death, or well until feeding tube,hospitalisation or impatient is the only option left for me.
I used to purge,too but I never had huge feeding attacks like bulimics do.
(Just that eating half of a normal portion, feels like a feest to me)
Ive also come to experience alot of chewing-and-spitting:
Anyways, lately I feel super-hungry and starved ALL.AT.THE.TIME.
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| I feel like that little-fatty-goat inf ront, but I am the girl, feeing them! |
but then, sometimes, it just overcomes me.
and I eat X00 or X00 calories more than regularly.
I know this isnt alot,
but for me its sooo much and then I feel bad, really bad,
but Ive promised my mum and god;
to never puke again on purpose, so I cant do it.
That leaves me angry and feeling like a pig that stuffs itself all the time.
Its almost like I can feel the fat grow on my thighs.
I KNOW that this is bullshit, technically.
But it freaks me out. Especially because it makes me panic and gives me really intense shivers, nightmares, cry-attacks and I am almost like in a kind of trance for hours!
Then, when I have come down (usually the next morning) I see what I have done. My thighs and belly are green,yellow and blue and it looks like I am getting abused by a Wrestler. Thats how intense the bruses are.
Do I have to consider myself a binge-eater now?
Its such a vicious cylce and it only goes on since a weeek, but it feels like forever already.
I just wanna get out of it.
I dont wanna binge. I wanna be normal.
Any tips on how to overcome binge-eating-phases?
You ask for thinspiration, M.? Better do ask in a pro-ana forum :(
ReplyDeleteWhat you call "binge" is your body's cry for NORMAL amounts of food.
If you wanna recover from anorexia, you have to get FATTER. If you wanna stay thin, you wanna stay ana. It's just as simple as that.
Sounds cruel? I made that experience myself.
Why would I ask for thinspiration?
ReplyDeleteI hope,I didnt by accident.
Because I dont want that. I AM NOT pro-ana and I hate that such a thing like that even exists.
Well its not cruel, even though youre right, it sounds cruel to my disorderd voice.
But thank u for being honest. I know you are right, I just cant help it.
Eating "normal" feels like bingeing to me,
so maybe I should change the quest to:
"any tips on how to accept cravings for NORMAL amounts?"
i totally get how you feel, but you just need to accept that your thoughts are wrong. when you have a meal that is a larger amount (which is necessary for you to do) then usual before you eat relax yourself, thank god, and tell yourself you deserve the precious gift that nature as given to you even if you don't think so. then eat. all of it. and when your done do something peace, if you are not at peace, and think of things you love or like in life, things you like about yourself (even if its hard, you can come up with something. i don't even know you in real life but i can thing of a things that are great about you). and continue like so. i know its difficult and its hard, but trust me keep going and you'll find yourself in an amazing place, where you are truly happy. its totally worth it, girl. totally worth it. keep trying and never give up. i love you.<3 stay strong.
ReplyDeleteYou can cope with these cravings if you eat more than usual and more often than usual. Don't ever avoid to eat when your body wants to. Use your discipline for it: If you have a panic attack, fight against it by giving in: eat. It is hard, the hardest way, I know it myself all too well.
ReplyDeleteThese cravings are normal for people who starve.
But above all, Mary: As long as you wanna stay thin, as long as you feel that gain in weight or a BMI higher than 18 means being fat, you ARE pro-ana. Pro-ana does not only mean that you promote it as a way of living for everyone, pro-ana begins when you wanna stay thin. There is no compromise: You could not starve and recover at the same time.
I don't wanna hurt you, believe me. I suffered from an ED too long. Looking back, I had to admit that only people who were honest to me, who said the bitter truth right in my face, were a real help, although it was cruel at that moment and I felt abandoned.
That's the reason I want you to look in the mirror.
Hun,I know what you're talking about TOO well.
ReplyDeleteI used to be the same and always have "control" over what I was putting into my mouth until suddenly,I got ravenously hungry and began to stuff my face with every crap that was in sight. Gosh,what I've eaten during my "binges" is seriously disgusting partly and I would never tell it to anyone. However,I've never had x000-calorie-binges like bulimics tend to have,no,but for ME,it always seemed like a bazillion times more and I could practically FEEl the fat growing on my thighs,my stomach etc. ...
But why do I actually talk about it as if it was a part of my past? True,it's gotten better by now,but that is only because I have accepted what "Anonymous" said above: I cannot eat x00 calories a day and think my body will be fine with that. I cannot stay underweight and think I'll survive for a much longer time. If I really WANT to get better,I need to accept that a) starving does NOT make me any "better"; my body needs food like EVERYONE else's does, and b) gaining weight might feel like the end of the world,but it's the only way to get out of this hell.
Actually,it's simple: No weight gain = starving= no recovery = death. Weight gain = eating,despite the pain it causes sometimes {cause your body has to get used to the food,but you know that} = recovery = LIFE!
You are in power here,Mary,it's your decision. Life or death? Choose wisely...