Ende. [german noun: The end]

yes,u got it right.
I feel like life is over.
I got fired. Not directly, but  my company told me that they will not keep me as a manageress after my apprenticeship is done in 4 month.
So in 4 month, I wont have

- a job
- money
- my apartment
- anything to do.

Because, well I basicly sacrified my whole (social)-LIFE for trying to be the best manageress, I could.
I am working lots of nightshifts, but also dayshifts and every weekend and holiday, so that makes it kinda impossible to meet friends, go out, have a working relationship or a hobby.
I only work, study and sleep.
With my apprenticeship ending, I knew there would be a little hole, I would fall into, because studing wouldnt be necessary anymore. So I would have needed a Hobby.
But oh well, thats easy.

But now, that I know, that they wont keep me, I wont have anything anymore. My days will be completely empty, instead of packed with things-to-do to the max.

Look for a new job, youll say.
Okay, I did.
I already sent applications to some places.
But honestly?
I am so down and done, I feel like I am not able to build up something new again.
To try my hardest to show a new boss, that I am a hard-worker and capable of all the things they want me to do.  To meet new co-workers, build up respect again, find out about all the little importances that a new company has in store, for everything.
I dont even feel capable of writing an application.
Because how will u let someone know, youre the only one for the job, the perfect new employee,
when you hate yourself and have no confidence?!
kinda difficult,hmm?

Well, my mum wants me to go into treatment again.
I dont.
I dont even know where to go.
Ive tried so much in the last years, that didnt help with my ED, I dont think there is a place where they can cure me.
Hospitals,feeding-tubes,Psycho-clinics,ED-centers,therapists,nutritionists,holidays...
what else is there?
Everywhere they just wanted me to gain weight and then start talking, but honestly I can only gain, when I started talking an coping.Doesnt that make more sense?!
And I dont even know how much they would want me to gain...I dont even know my weight.
Really, I havent been on a scale for over A YEAR now, since last time, I went to a hospital.
And I wanna keep that up.
But with going into treatment again, that wouldnt be possible.

YAYYYYYY :)

.....I JUST PASSED MY FIRST FINAL!!! :)

yay, for that, cause passing it is essential for being able to take part in my finals for completing my management degree :)
AND that will be in exactly 3 month!
Its sooo super-crazy. I cant believe and especially havent realized AT ALL that I will be done with being a trainee in just a quarter or a year! AMAZING!
Aaaand scary...
scary,cause noone know what comes next. What to do afterwards.
Will I pass?
Will I get a good mark?
Will I get a good resume?

Will I find a job?



Questions over questions...
but someone, I am sure, know the answer.
And that is god.

this is made from flowers - "Where god is, there is future"

Today, before going to my exam, I went to church and took part of a service.
I love going to church. I mean I am born and raised catholic, going to church is essential.
And it gives me so much strength, hope and faith, everytime I go.
It just seems to speed up my energy-level and gets rid of all the tiredness, I had before- its simply amazing!

Thank you :)