yes,u got it right.
I feel like life is over.
I got fired. Not directly, but my company told me that they will not keep me as a manageress after my apprenticeship is done in 4 month.
So in 4 month, I wont have
- a job
- money
- my apartment
- anything to do.
Because, well I basicly sacrified my whole (social)-LIFE for trying to be the best manageress, I could.
I am working lots of nightshifts, but also dayshifts and every weekend and holiday, so that makes it kinda impossible to meet friends, go out, have a working relationship or a hobby.
I only work, study and sleep.
With my apprenticeship ending, I knew there would be a little hole, I would fall into, because studing wouldnt be necessary anymore. So I would have needed a Hobby.
But oh well, thats easy.
But now, that I know, that they wont keep me, I wont have anything anymore. My days will be completely empty, instead of packed with things-to-do to the max.
Look for a new job, youll say.
Okay, I did.
I already sent applications to some places.
But honestly?
I am so down and done, I feel like I am not able to build up something new again.
To try my hardest to show a new boss, that I am a hard-worker and capable of all the things they want me to do. To meet new co-workers, build up respect again, find out about all the little importances that a new company has in store, for everything.
I dont even feel capable of writing an application.
Because how will u let someone know, youre the only one for the job, the perfect new employee,
when you hate yourself and have no confidence?!
kinda difficult,hmm?
Well, my mum wants me to go into treatment again.
I dont.
I dont even know where to go.
Ive tried so much in the last years, that didnt help with my ED, I dont think there is a place where they can cure me.
Hospitals,feeding-tubes,Psycho-clinics,ED-centers,therapists,nutritionists,holidays...
what else is there?
Everywhere they just wanted me to gain weight and then start talking, but honestly I can only gain, when I started talking an coping.Doesnt that make more sense?!
And I dont even know how much they would want me to gain...I dont even know my weight.
Really, I havent been on a scale for over A YEAR now, since last time, I went to a hospital.
And I wanna keep that up.
But with going into treatment again, that wouldnt be possible.
Oh girl,
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to hear your company won't keep you after your training! I guess i am just as shocked as you are,cause you know,you are THE perfect manageress; you work ALWAYS,you make your job your No.1 priority,you'd give ANYTHING just to do your job properly... And now,they won't keep you - that's simply ridiculous,crazy,insane!
...really?
Darling,have you ever thought it could be possible that you put TOO much effort into your work? That sacrificing yourself; your freetime; your social life is simply TOO much? That your employers might ask for a lot,but not for giving up yourself to always be accountable at work?
You definitely are a perfect employee,and they couldn't have wished for a better trainee since there are very few who'd sacrifice as much for their job as you do. You pretty possibly accomplish as much as no one else does,believe me - but maybe,that is exactly what they criticize.
In your job,working in a team is very important,isn't it? So,imagine you had a co-worker who did EVERYTHING,even tasks YOU were supposed to do,in an absolutely perfect way. No one ever criticized him; IF there were any problems,one would directly reach out to YOU because yeah,you're not as perfect as your co-worker,so it must've been your mistake,logically. Imagine,you were supposed to work with such a flawless person. WOuld you still want to work in a team? Would you still like to come to work every day and feel stupid and useless beneath Mr. or Mrs. Flawless?
I think THAT is why your employers don't want to keep you as a part of their team. You're flawless,but your perfectionism is TOO much.
You don't need to feel insecure when writing applications or anything cause EVERYONE knows that you're THE manageress,Mary - what you need to learn,though,is to cut back on your perfectionism a little bit. If you do that,I promise you you'll be the best manageress in this world. I promise.
And onto the rest... I know it's a huge success for you to not have stepped onto a scale for such a long time,and I am proud of you for this,I really am! But seriously,this is no reason to refuse help.
I am worried about you every single day,Mary. I always ask myself "How might she be" "Is she okay" "Does she eat at least a little to survive this day"... You're in danger,and trust me,it's so painful for me,your mom,for everyone who knows you to simply see you in such a bad condition. I know it FEELS different for you,but we're afraid to lose you,dear. So please,please,please,reach out for help. I wish I could help you myself,but I'm not a therapist... And I am too far away.
Please,think about it one more time. And yeah,you could go into a clinic that's somewhere near me; I'd totally come visit! Haha... Really. Reach out for help. We love you.