I should be...[party of my story #xXx]

There is alot of things I should be thankful for.
There is alot of things I am thankful for.
But there is one thing I should be thankful for, but I am not.

My job.

This is the story why I should be thankful for having it, but am unhappy.

First I thought, I couldnt write this post. I couldnt open up here, where I am so exposed to everyone about it. I was scared, someone who knows me, would read it. Someone who works with me.
But then, I thought, it would help me and why not share it?!

My company is known for hiring people that probably wont get the chance to find a job somewhere else.
Its not a great job, but it can be real fun sometimes.
Any it becomes even better, when you know, that you dont really have any other opportunities.

It was in May, about 2 years ago.
I just left my brothers graduation. I was all dolled up and I felt pretty for once.
Even though I had spent weeks, to find something to wear. Nothing that was appropriate would fit me. Fancy dresses looked like I was a kid playing "dress up".
But still, I was feeling pretty and was prepared to have a great time, seeing all my old classmates and teachers (my brother and I used to be in the same grade) again.
I left early. Right after the official part had ended. The afternoon had been awful.
Yes, I met my old friends and teachers again, but everyone kept asking the same:


"Oh." was the first word everyone said to me, which was accompanied by a pitiful look.
"Arent you dissappointed now?"  [why should I be disappointed?!]
"I mean, that your brother has Abitur* now and YOU dont?!"
"You can be so proud of your brother, he did so well. Very sad that you didnt."
Another glass champagne. Another cigarrette.
"Wow your son did so well, he just held a speech in front of all this people!Amazing! Is that your daughter?! Wow...ehmm..well...she changed alot."
Another drink.Another cigarette.
A: "OMG, look at Mary, I didnt think the 3.WW was still going on!"
B: "OMG youre right.Ewwww!"
Another cigarette. Feeling tipsy by now.

That was enough. I left.

I was standing outside, at the parking lot. Waiting for my mom to drive me home. I looked down on me, looked at all these kids, that just graded and that would live their live to the fullest from now on.
They would be able to go to University with their Abitur* and I wouldnt.
I had felt so proud just a year ago, when I graded with a minor degree, but nothing was left from that anymore, by now.
I felt like a major failure and innocently reached for my nose. It still felt sore and while itching it, I got mad.
I got mad at all these people in there, that only saw my appearance. That saw me as someone, who failed.
Even though, I had archieved lots lately.
Yes, I had. My nose was itchy, but I was able to breath free.
Two days ago, that had been different. I had a little plastic tube stuck in there, that went from my nose right into to my stomach.  It had been connected to a plastic bag, filled with liquid nutrients.
And it had been pulled after 4 weeks of being fed. They trusted me enough to feed my own again.

So why was everyone complaining?

I have had to give up school for hospitalization, but I managed to get an apprenticeship after.
I have had to give up that again, for hospitalization and went from one threatment center to another hospital, BUT i was still alive.And not depending on a plastic tube anymore.
I was gonna show them.
I was gonna show everyone, that I am not unsuccessful and a failure.
 That I could be successful, too. Not only my brother.

And I decided to do something now. In that moment. I asked my mum to go to a Fast Food restaurant with me, to get a Sundae.
Yes, a SUNDAE!at.a.FAST.FOOD.place!

While I was looking for my money, I saw a flyer: "We are looking for coworkers"

to be continued...