ED and Relationships,men, my life

Hey everyone :)
Yes,yes, I AM STILL ALIVE ! 
But I dont have an internet connection in my new apartment and to be honest, I wanna save the money for a contract, that would be 20 Euros/month.
My mum has a flatrate and I stored my notebook at hers, so I can use it whenever I visit: Also, there is a very cheap Internet cafe (open from 8am- 1am) around the corner for major cases of surveire Internet withdrawal haha
But it is better like this anyways, because whenever I am not working (which is very rare btw.) I NEED to study and Internet definiteky always used to be my main major distraction. So since I have one huge final coming up and my 2 last ones in the upcoming months, in order to finish my management degree, it is better that way. Also when you look at my status update below, you yan tell that I didnt get THAT far, so without the WWW its already hard enough to keep my s**** together.

Status update:  

Apartment .... comfy but NOWHERE close to being finished/furnished

School ..... half way done for this week "Bergfest" like we say in Germany, last half a year starts next 
                        week, getting my report card tomorrow or friday :)

Apprenticeship ..... nearly done! Only 5 month left!Woot!Woot!!!!

Studying ... nearly done with studying for No#1 of my super-important final exams (next week)
                          *keep fingers crossed*

ED ... well,uhmmm,not making any progress (at least not in the RIGHT direction)


well thats it so far. I wish I would have taken some pictures of my unfinished apartment, BUT i wanna save it to when I am completely done and finished.
So I  am off again, to study and to go out with a male "friend" (or more?!) tomorrow.

Oh btw "male friends" is a huge topic right now.
My ex-howeveryouwannacallourrelation-guy (i call him "friend-with-benefits" or "friendship-plus", he called me his girlfriend) keeps calling me and trying to push me to "get-back-(in bed)-together" and that scares the hell outta me.

 

 

already scared of men? [2010]

He is Arabian and I am not promoting any prejudices here, but he tended to be really aggressive and forcing most off the times. He was also able to be sweet and loving and definitely had some REAL qualities (if you know what I mean haha), but most of the time he was jealous and possesive, which was a reason, why I didnt wanna see him again.
But the main reason was probably that  one night, when he was really hammered, he forced me to do things I didnt want to that night, because I knew that wouldnt end well, whenever he was drunk.
Beacause in that case, he would get really aggressive and it wouldnt be great as usual, it would hurt and I would feel really dirty and bad.

Whatever this is really personal, but noone know me in the world wide web and I donno who else to tell.
So since that night, when he hurt me real bad (so bad, I had to be in the hospital for a few days and even get an I-V) I am kinda scared of letting men close.
I mean, I am a women, just like anyone else and I do have human feelings, cravings and needs, BUT I am super scared as well.
I dont want that to happen again and I KNOW that my "male-more-that-friend-friend" would never do something like that,cause he is just the complete opposite.
Still, I am scared.
Also scared, that he will find me disgusting, so I dont wanna go to a place where I would have to undress, even though, I want to, on the other side.
Ive shed quite a few pounds since I "broke up" with the other one and I think that the hurts, he gave me, is the reason for that. But I know (even though I dont see it myself) I am disgustingly thin and boney and I am scared he is going to be disgusted.
Oh my why the f am I writing all this, now most of you will think bad of me and wont understand maybe,
but this is a blog of someone who lives with an ED and tries to make the best out of it, so this topic must me part of it.
ED and Relationship.
ED and Men.
ED and Mary.
ED and Me.

Moved.

Ive moved into my own apartment about a week ago, I dont have an internet connection yet, but as soon as I do, Ill post some pictures of my new place!
It has already turned out beautiful after copeless amounts of work, Ive put into it so far, but working full time and renovating can be super-stressful, so I am glad, I got a day off tomorrow on which Ive to help my mommy with her move) but alrighty....

Welll the only thing, that kinda bothers me is that it is super quiet and my cats are still kinda traumatised by the move, but oh well. Thats gonna be alright soon. At least they already snuggle in bed with me. :)

xooxo, stay tuned,
Mary

I should be...[party of my story #xXx]

There is alot of things I should be thankful for.
There is alot of things I am thankful for.
But there is one thing I should be thankful for, but I am not.

My job.

This is the story why I should be thankful for having it, but am unhappy.

First I thought, I couldnt write this post. I couldnt open up here, where I am so exposed to everyone about it. I was scared, someone who knows me, would read it. Someone who works with me.
But then, I thought, it would help me and why not share it?!

My company is known for hiring people that probably wont get the chance to find a job somewhere else.
Its not a great job, but it can be real fun sometimes.
Any it becomes even better, when you know, that you dont really have any other opportunities.

It was in May, about 2 years ago.
I just left my brothers graduation. I was all dolled up and I felt pretty for once.
Even though I had spent weeks, to find something to wear. Nothing that was appropriate would fit me. Fancy dresses looked like I was a kid playing "dress up".
But still, I was feeling pretty and was prepared to have a great time, seeing all my old classmates and teachers (my brother and I used to be in the same grade) again.
I left early. Right after the official part had ended. The afternoon had been awful.
Yes, I met my old friends and teachers again, but everyone kept asking the same:


"Oh." was the first word everyone said to me, which was accompanied by a pitiful look.
"Arent you dissappointed now?"  [why should I be disappointed?!]
"I mean, that your brother has Abitur* now and YOU dont?!"
"You can be so proud of your brother, he did so well. Very sad that you didnt."
Another glass champagne. Another cigarrette.
"Wow your son did so well, he just held a speech in front of all this people!Amazing! Is that your daughter?! Wow...ehmm..well...she changed alot."
Another drink.Another cigarette.
A: "OMG, look at Mary, I didnt think the 3.WW was still going on!"
B: "OMG youre right.Ewwww!"
Another cigarette. Feeling tipsy by now.

That was enough. I left.

I was standing outside, at the parking lot. Waiting for my mom to drive me home. I looked down on me, looked at all these kids, that just graded and that would live their live to the fullest from now on.
They would be able to go to University with their Abitur* and I wouldnt.
I had felt so proud just a year ago, when I graded with a minor degree, but nothing was left from that anymore, by now.
I felt like a major failure and innocently reached for my nose. It still felt sore and while itching it, I got mad.
I got mad at all these people in there, that only saw my appearance. That saw me as someone, who failed.
Even though, I had archieved lots lately.
Yes, I had. My nose was itchy, but I was able to breath free.
Two days ago, that had been different. I had a little plastic tube stuck in there, that went from my nose right into to my stomach.  It had been connected to a plastic bag, filled with liquid nutrients.
And it had been pulled after 4 weeks of being fed. They trusted me enough to feed my own again.

So why was everyone complaining?

I have had to give up school for hospitalization, but I managed to get an apprenticeship after.
I have had to give up that again, for hospitalization and went from one threatment center to another hospital, BUT i was still alive.And not depending on a plastic tube anymore.
I was gonna show them.
I was gonna show everyone, that I am not unsuccessful and a failure.
 That I could be successful, too. Not only my brother.

And I decided to do something now. In that moment. I asked my mum to go to a Fast Food restaurant with me, to get a Sundae.
Yes, a SUNDAE!at.a.FAST.FOOD.place!

While I was looking for my money, I saw a flyer: "We are looking for coworkers"

to be continued...