ED and Relationships,men, my life

Hey everyone :)
Yes,yes, I AM STILL ALIVE ! 
But I dont have an internet connection in my new apartment and to be honest, I wanna save the money for a contract, that would be 20 Euros/month.
My mum has a flatrate and I stored my notebook at hers, so I can use it whenever I visit: Also, there is a very cheap Internet cafe (open from 8am- 1am) around the corner for major cases of surveire Internet withdrawal haha
But it is better like this anyways, because whenever I am not working (which is very rare btw.) I NEED to study and Internet definiteky always used to be my main major distraction. So since I have one huge final coming up and my 2 last ones in the upcoming months, in order to finish my management degree, it is better that way. Also when you look at my status update below, you yan tell that I didnt get THAT far, so without the WWW its already hard enough to keep my s**** together.

Status update:  

Apartment .... comfy but NOWHERE close to being finished/furnished

School ..... half way done for this week "Bergfest" like we say in Germany, last half a year starts next 
                        week, getting my report card tomorrow or friday :)

Apprenticeship ..... nearly done! Only 5 month left!Woot!Woot!!!!

Studying ... nearly done with studying for No#1 of my super-important final exams (next week)
                          *keep fingers crossed*

ED ... well,uhmmm,not making any progress (at least not in the RIGHT direction)


well thats it so far. I wish I would have taken some pictures of my unfinished apartment, BUT i wanna save it to when I am completely done and finished.
So I  am off again, to study and to go out with a male "friend" (or more?!) tomorrow.

Oh btw "male friends" is a huge topic right now.
My ex-howeveryouwannacallourrelation-guy (i call him "friend-with-benefits" or "friendship-plus", he called me his girlfriend) keeps calling me and trying to push me to "get-back-(in bed)-together" and that scares the hell outta me.

 

 

already scared of men? [2010]

He is Arabian and I am not promoting any prejudices here, but he tended to be really aggressive and forcing most off the times. He was also able to be sweet and loving and definitely had some REAL qualities (if you know what I mean haha), but most of the time he was jealous and possesive, which was a reason, why I didnt wanna see him again.
But the main reason was probably that  one night, when he was really hammered, he forced me to do things I didnt want to that night, because I knew that wouldnt end well, whenever he was drunk.
Beacause in that case, he would get really aggressive and it wouldnt be great as usual, it would hurt and I would feel really dirty and bad.

Whatever this is really personal, but noone know me in the world wide web and I donno who else to tell.
So since that night, when he hurt me real bad (so bad, I had to be in the hospital for a few days and even get an I-V) I am kinda scared of letting men close.
I mean, I am a women, just like anyone else and I do have human feelings, cravings and needs, BUT I am super scared as well.
I dont want that to happen again and I KNOW that my "male-more-that-friend-friend" would never do something like that,cause he is just the complete opposite.
Still, I am scared.
Also scared, that he will find me disgusting, so I dont wanna go to a place where I would have to undress, even though, I want to, on the other side.
Ive shed quite a few pounds since I "broke up" with the other one and I think that the hurts, he gave me, is the reason for that. But I know (even though I dont see it myself) I am disgustingly thin and boney and I am scared he is going to be disgusted.
Oh my why the f am I writing all this, now most of you will think bad of me and wont understand maybe,
but this is a blog of someone who lives with an ED and tries to make the best out of it, so this topic must me part of it.
ED and Relationship.
ED and Men.
ED and Mary.
ED and Me.