YAYYYYYY :)

.....I JUST PASSED MY FIRST FINAL!!! :)

yay, for that, cause passing it is essential for being able to take part in my finals for completing my management degree :)
AND that will be in exactly 3 month!
Its sooo super-crazy. I cant believe and especially havent realized AT ALL that I will be done with being a trainee in just a quarter or a year! AMAZING!
Aaaand scary...
scary,cause noone know what comes next. What to do afterwards.
Will I pass?
Will I get a good mark?
Will I get a good resume?

Will I find a job?



Questions over questions...
but someone, I am sure, know the answer.
And that is god.

this is made from flowers - "Where god is, there is future"

Today, before going to my exam, I went to church and took part of a service.
I love going to church. I mean I am born and raised catholic, going to church is essential.
And it gives me so much strength, hope and faith, everytime I go.
It just seems to speed up my energy-level and gets rid of all the tiredness, I had before- its simply amazing!

Thank you :)

ED and Relationships,men, my life

Hey everyone :)
Yes,yes, I AM STILL ALIVE ! 
But I dont have an internet connection in my new apartment and to be honest, I wanna save the money for a contract, that would be 20 Euros/month.
My mum has a flatrate and I stored my notebook at hers, so I can use it whenever I visit: Also, there is a very cheap Internet cafe (open from 8am- 1am) around the corner for major cases of surveire Internet withdrawal haha
But it is better like this anyways, because whenever I am not working (which is very rare btw.) I NEED to study and Internet definiteky always used to be my main major distraction. So since I have one huge final coming up and my 2 last ones in the upcoming months, in order to finish my management degree, it is better that way. Also when you look at my status update below, you yan tell that I didnt get THAT far, so without the WWW its already hard enough to keep my s**** together.

Status update:  

Apartment .... comfy but NOWHERE close to being finished/furnished

School ..... half way done for this week "Bergfest" like we say in Germany, last half a year starts next 
                        week, getting my report card tomorrow or friday :)

Apprenticeship ..... nearly done! Only 5 month left!Woot!Woot!!!!

Studying ... nearly done with studying for No#1 of my super-important final exams (next week)
                          *keep fingers crossed*

ED ... well,uhmmm,not making any progress (at least not in the RIGHT direction)


well thats it so far. I wish I would have taken some pictures of my unfinished apartment, BUT i wanna save it to when I am completely done and finished.
So I  am off again, to study and to go out with a male "friend" (or more?!) tomorrow.

Oh btw "male friends" is a huge topic right now.
My ex-howeveryouwannacallourrelation-guy (i call him "friend-with-benefits" or "friendship-plus", he called me his girlfriend) keeps calling me and trying to push me to "get-back-(in bed)-together" and that scares the hell outta me.

 

 

already scared of men? [2010]

He is Arabian and I am not promoting any prejudices here, but he tended to be really aggressive and forcing most off the times. He was also able to be sweet and loving and definitely had some REAL qualities (if you know what I mean haha), but most of the time he was jealous and possesive, which was a reason, why I didnt wanna see him again.
But the main reason was probably that  one night, when he was really hammered, he forced me to do things I didnt want to that night, because I knew that wouldnt end well, whenever he was drunk.
Beacause in that case, he would get really aggressive and it wouldnt be great as usual, it would hurt and I would feel really dirty and bad.

Whatever this is really personal, but noone know me in the world wide web and I donno who else to tell.
So since that night, when he hurt me real bad (so bad, I had to be in the hospital for a few days and even get an I-V) I am kinda scared of letting men close.
I mean, I am a women, just like anyone else and I do have human feelings, cravings and needs, BUT I am super scared as well.
I dont want that to happen again and I KNOW that my "male-more-that-friend-friend" would never do something like that,cause he is just the complete opposite.
Still, I am scared.
Also scared, that he will find me disgusting, so I dont wanna go to a place where I would have to undress, even though, I want to, on the other side.
Ive shed quite a few pounds since I "broke up" with the other one and I think that the hurts, he gave me, is the reason for that. But I know (even though I dont see it myself) I am disgustingly thin and boney and I am scared he is going to be disgusted.
Oh my why the f am I writing all this, now most of you will think bad of me and wont understand maybe,
but this is a blog of someone who lives with an ED and tries to make the best out of it, so this topic must me part of it.
ED and Relationship.
ED and Men.
ED and Mary.
ED and Me.

Moved.

Ive moved into my own apartment about a week ago, I dont have an internet connection yet, but as soon as I do, Ill post some pictures of my new place!
It has already turned out beautiful after copeless amounts of work, Ive put into it so far, but working full time and renovating can be super-stressful, so I am glad, I got a day off tomorrow on which Ive to help my mommy with her move) but alrighty....

Welll the only thing, that kinda bothers me is that it is super quiet and my cats are still kinda traumatised by the move, but oh well. Thats gonna be alright soon. At least they already snuggle in bed with me. :)

xooxo, stay tuned,
Mary

I should be...[party of my story #xXx]

There is alot of things I should be thankful for.
There is alot of things I am thankful for.
But there is one thing I should be thankful for, but I am not.

My job.

This is the story why I should be thankful for having it, but am unhappy.

First I thought, I couldnt write this post. I couldnt open up here, where I am so exposed to everyone about it. I was scared, someone who knows me, would read it. Someone who works with me.
But then, I thought, it would help me and why not share it?!

My company is known for hiring people that probably wont get the chance to find a job somewhere else.
Its not a great job, but it can be real fun sometimes.
Any it becomes even better, when you know, that you dont really have any other opportunities.

It was in May, about 2 years ago.
I just left my brothers graduation. I was all dolled up and I felt pretty for once.
Even though I had spent weeks, to find something to wear. Nothing that was appropriate would fit me. Fancy dresses looked like I was a kid playing "dress up".
But still, I was feeling pretty and was prepared to have a great time, seeing all my old classmates and teachers (my brother and I used to be in the same grade) again.
I left early. Right after the official part had ended. The afternoon had been awful.
Yes, I met my old friends and teachers again, but everyone kept asking the same:


"Oh." was the first word everyone said to me, which was accompanied by a pitiful look.
"Arent you dissappointed now?"  [why should I be disappointed?!]
"I mean, that your brother has Abitur* now and YOU dont?!"
"You can be so proud of your brother, he did so well. Very sad that you didnt."
Another glass champagne. Another cigarrette.
"Wow your son did so well, he just held a speech in front of all this people!Amazing! Is that your daughter?! Wow...ehmm..well...she changed alot."
Another drink.Another cigarette.
A: "OMG, look at Mary, I didnt think the 3.WW was still going on!"
B: "OMG youre right.Ewwww!"
Another cigarette. Feeling tipsy by now.

That was enough. I left.

I was standing outside, at the parking lot. Waiting for my mom to drive me home. I looked down on me, looked at all these kids, that just graded and that would live their live to the fullest from now on.
They would be able to go to University with their Abitur* and I wouldnt.
I had felt so proud just a year ago, when I graded with a minor degree, but nothing was left from that anymore, by now.
I felt like a major failure and innocently reached for my nose. It still felt sore and while itching it, I got mad.
I got mad at all these people in there, that only saw my appearance. That saw me as someone, who failed.
Even though, I had archieved lots lately.
Yes, I had. My nose was itchy, but I was able to breath free.
Two days ago, that had been different. I had a little plastic tube stuck in there, that went from my nose right into to my stomach.  It had been connected to a plastic bag, filled with liquid nutrients.
And it had been pulled after 4 weeks of being fed. They trusted me enough to feed my own again.

So why was everyone complaining?

I have had to give up school for hospitalization, but I managed to get an apprenticeship after.
I have had to give up that again, for hospitalization and went from one threatment center to another hospital, BUT i was still alive.And not depending on a plastic tube anymore.
I was gonna show them.
I was gonna show everyone, that I am not unsuccessful and a failure.
 That I could be successful, too. Not only my brother.

And I decided to do something now. In that moment. I asked my mum to go to a Fast Food restaurant with me, to get a Sundae.
Yes, a SUNDAE!at.a.FAST.FOOD.place!

While I was looking for my money, I saw a flyer: "We are looking for coworkers"

to be continued...

Every end is a new Beginning...Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas everyone!

Sorry for my whiney post last time, but my intention is to use this blog to write down what I feel and think in the moment. Thats a great opportunity for me too, to review my feelings and capture them over time :)

Anyways, I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas time, quality-time with your families,partners and friends and lovely presents and great eats :)
I have to work over the holidays, but its only early shifts from 7 am - 5pm so Ill be home in the evening to spend time with my small family,too :)


Yesterday, I got some awesome news from my new apartment. Ill be able to move in by the end of next week :) Because, yes, you got it right, I am moving out by January! I am so glad this day finally came and I hope, I can cope with the new situation and do well living on my own.Lets just think positive here! :)

[So many Smilies,this seems to be a happy post]

So to get more pictures in here and write about some EATS again and not just about ED,

here is my REVIEW of what FOODS I liked best over the past year:

Best of 2012 - Foodie style 

 

pumkin puree

No#1: Pumpkin

baked pumpkin

Every style of it. I LOVE pumpkin and its my all-time-favorite vegetable since living in BC,Canada for over a year. I am obviously always really sad,  whenever pumkin season is over, because I am not a sucker for winter-veggies like kale and all sorts of cabbage...that stuff gives me gas and I dont like that for sure!haha



No#2:Watermelon

Watermelon sald: turkish stlye

Ok, I gotta admit it, this hasnt only been my favorite in 2012. Its my favorite every year since I can think. Its just so versatile, fresh and cheap! And honeslty nothing tastes more like summer than a freshly sliced watermelon with a few drops of lemon juice on top!

One of the greatest things is also savory: Watermelon salad.
Just slice up some Watermelon, give some lemon juice on top and mix with diced Feta-cheese, pumkin seeds and fresh mint. Delishhh!


No#3:  Macaroons

Just three letters: OMG! These are the sweetest, prettiest and mostly cutest little things on earth. I first tried them in my trip to Paris for my birthday and I fell completely in love with them, because they are so versatile:
They are offered in various sizes and flavours:
Vanilla,Coffee,Chocolate,Pistachio....so much more!

Sad thing is, my birthday is usually in lent and I bought a super-expensive and exclusive box of Macaroons in Paris (Where they originally come from!) and I let it set over lent, so I could eat them on Easter, cause we dont eat swe.ets during lent (exept for my bday). But when I wanted to try them after the 40days, they were hard as steel :(

No#4:   Most beautiful display of Food seen in 2012

This assortment of spices and dried fruit in a turkish 
supermarket here in my area :)
Isnt that just like art?!


No#5: Best Fear-Food eaten     
              (conquered!)

Definitely PIZZA! Sadly only eaten once this year, but one of my worst fear-foods. and I am so proud, I was able to enjoy it while being in Paris. I ate this Wrap-style Pizza (not "Calzone"!) with a bit of a salad bouquet and it was super-duper-uber-delish!!

yumm...






Okay, this list could go on and on and on.
I could mention tons of asparagus,broccoli and eggs, that were eaten this year.And the few times, I got myself to enjoy "After-Eight-gelato" (my favorite) or FroYo (which has finally arrived in Germany :))
and Blackberries, but I guess that would be too much ;)

Anyways, one of my wishes for 2013 is  to conquer more fear-foods and  be able to enjoy eating out
(or eating in general) more again.
I want to go to a breakfast-brunch-buffet and try everything, that looks appealing,
without having (too much) of a bad conciousness.



So lets end this year of amazing eats and start in a new one, in which I hopefully be able to make my plan come true!

XOXO
Mary

Dreading to go...

...hey everyone!

Well, today is a weird day.I am still on holidays,but on friday theyre over.
And I am dreading the day, i have to go back to work.

Iam really disappointed and sad, that i dont love my job anymore.
I used to be so thrilled and enthusiastic about it. I used to be happy to go there and dreaded days off or holidays, because i would feel useless without work.
But now i feel useless at work...

I feel like its such an unnecessary and stupid thing I am doing for a living.
I mean, i sell Fast-food. Unhealthy, unnecessary, Fast-food.
I dont really help anyone with it, nor am I unique at what I am doing.
I am actually super-replaceable.
There is so many ppl that can do my job as a manageress and are more made for it than I am.

I just noticed, that even though, I always thought it is the perfect and ultimate job for me, I am not cold-hearted and enough of a "force-person" for it. I am simply too much drawn by emotions and I cant blend out my heart and feelings at my job (nor anywhere else in my life ;))
But when i look at all the ones that are above me in the company, those that  are successful in their job there, that hold high-positions or are my boss, are exactly what I am not.

Theyre not emotional, they seem to be cold and strong. They are able to focus on profit more than people and never have a bad conciousness.
They dont fear anyone,really and dont doubt their decisions. They stay strong, even if someone hates them, for what or ho they do certain things.
I cant do that and I most likely dont wanna do that.

Not now, nor forever.

And thats the point. I donno what to do anymore...
Work makes me sick and i panic, as soon as i just slightly think about returning on friday.
but I also donno what to do otherwise:
I have never done anything else and i cant inagine not working in food services. but i also dont wanna work with food anymore or for the rest of my life. i mean, i hate food. especially fast food. it makes me nervous to be around it all day and my situation seems to constantly become worse.
but what shell i do?
i have a year left as a trainee/apprentice til i am done and can start doing something else.

But i simply dont know, if:

A) Ill get thru this year without breaking down
B) If its not a waste of time, if I dont wanna continue afterwards anyways
C) If I even have another choice
D) If I have the strenght to start all over again

Because:

A) I am twenty
B) I am not allowed to go to university in Germany to study
C) I already had to quit an apprenticeship 2 years ago because I got hospitalized
D) I need money to pay rent
E) I graduated in 2010, future bosses will ask what happened in between
---> another broken up apprenticeship doesnt look too good in your resume
 F) I still (visibly) suffer from an ED

wtf. This simply annoys me to the max!

How did you go on with work while recovering/suffering from ED?
Did you tell your (future) boss?
Any ideas how to find out, what job is right for you?

Ps.: nature makes me happy :)


xoxo,
Mary

Christmas

Hi everyone!
Today, I decided to do a more happy post. Nothing whiny, nothing about ED or my current situation.
Just something random fitting the season....

Christmas time :)

Well, I found this challenge on a lovely designed blog and I think I wanna participate, even though its kinda late to start. But whatever. So this post is gonna be fitting the 2nd Advent (today!) and will be "picturey".
YAY for that.
Who doesnt like pictures,huh?!

Okay so lets start.

1.Your favorite Christmas movie

Well, I am German, so I guess it must be a German movie and surprise,surprise it IS!

Das Mädchen mit den Schwefelhölzern

--> Its more likely a German fairy-tale, but there is a movie to it. Its a really sad but realistic story about a poor little girl in the 19th century I think, that doesnt have a family and tries to keep itself warm with a box of matches on Christmas and watches all the happy families. Well its sad, but stunning.

3. When/How did you learn that Santa wasnt real?

I never believed in Santa, cause I didnt get raised like that. In Germany its usually the "Christkind" that brings the presents and I am raised very catholic, so we didnt do the whole comemercial-christmas with Santa.

We believed that Jesus as a baby/child  or an Angel brings the presents.

So I never had to learn Santa isnt real, cause I still believe that Jesus was :)

4.Favorite Christmas song

Oh my god. I donno. There is so many. I love the traditional German ones like 

"Stille Nacht, Heilige Nacht"

(silent night, holy night) and 

"Schneeglöckchen, Weißröckchen" 

as well as I like (shame on me!) 

"Last Christmas" by Wham...

Best sounds on Christmas is the bells from Church anyways :)

5.Best gift you´ve ever received & 7. Most memorable Christmas

A trip to DISNEY LAND over the Christmas holidays, best trip and present EVER  !!!

Okay you guys, enough for now :)
Enjoy Christmas season and dont let ED ruin it!
xoxo,
Mary