Every end is a new Beginning...Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas everyone!

Sorry for my whiney post last time, but my intention is to use this blog to write down what I feel and think in the moment. Thats a great opportunity for me too, to review my feelings and capture them over time :)

Anyways, I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas time, quality-time with your families,partners and friends and lovely presents and great eats :)
I have to work over the holidays, but its only early shifts from 7 am - 5pm so Ill be home in the evening to spend time with my small family,too :)


Yesterday, I got some awesome news from my new apartment. Ill be able to move in by the end of next week :) Because, yes, you got it right, I am moving out by January! I am so glad this day finally came and I hope, I can cope with the new situation and do well living on my own.Lets just think positive here! :)

[So many Smilies,this seems to be a happy post]

So to get more pictures in here and write about some EATS again and not just about ED,

here is my REVIEW of what FOODS I liked best over the past year:

Best of 2012 - Foodie style 

 

pumkin puree

No#1: Pumpkin

baked pumpkin

Every style of it. I LOVE pumpkin and its my all-time-favorite vegetable since living in BC,Canada for over a year. I am obviously always really sad,  whenever pumkin season is over, because I am not a sucker for winter-veggies like kale and all sorts of cabbage...that stuff gives me gas and I dont like that for sure!haha



No#2:Watermelon

Watermelon sald: turkish stlye

Ok, I gotta admit it, this hasnt only been my favorite in 2012. Its my favorite every year since I can think. Its just so versatile, fresh and cheap! And honeslty nothing tastes more like summer than a freshly sliced watermelon with a few drops of lemon juice on top!

One of the greatest things is also savory: Watermelon salad.
Just slice up some Watermelon, give some lemon juice on top and mix with diced Feta-cheese, pumkin seeds and fresh mint. Delishhh!


No#3:  Macaroons

Just three letters: OMG! These are the sweetest, prettiest and mostly cutest little things on earth. I first tried them in my trip to Paris for my birthday and I fell completely in love with them, because they are so versatile:
They are offered in various sizes and flavours:
Vanilla,Coffee,Chocolate,Pistachio....so much more!

Sad thing is, my birthday is usually in lent and I bought a super-expensive and exclusive box of Macaroons in Paris (Where they originally come from!) and I let it set over lent, so I could eat them on Easter, cause we dont eat swe.ets during lent (exept for my bday). But when I wanted to try them after the 40days, they were hard as steel :(

No#4:   Most beautiful display of Food seen in 2012

This assortment of spices and dried fruit in a turkish 
supermarket here in my area :)
Isnt that just like art?!


No#5: Best Fear-Food eaten     
              (conquered!)

Definitely PIZZA! Sadly only eaten once this year, but one of my worst fear-foods. and I am so proud, I was able to enjoy it while being in Paris. I ate this Wrap-style Pizza (not "Calzone"!) with a bit of a salad bouquet and it was super-duper-uber-delish!!

yumm...






Okay, this list could go on and on and on.
I could mention tons of asparagus,broccoli and eggs, that were eaten this year.And the few times, I got myself to enjoy "After-Eight-gelato" (my favorite) or FroYo (which has finally arrived in Germany :))
and Blackberries, but I guess that would be too much ;)

Anyways, one of my wishes for 2013 is  to conquer more fear-foods and  be able to enjoy eating out
(or eating in general) more again.
I want to go to a breakfast-brunch-buffet and try everything, that looks appealing,
without having (too much) of a bad conciousness.



So lets end this year of amazing eats and start in a new one, in which I hopefully be able to make my plan come true!

XOXO
Mary

Dreading to go...

...hey everyone!

Well, today is a weird day.I am still on holidays,but on friday theyre over.
And I am dreading the day, i have to go back to work.

Iam really disappointed and sad, that i dont love my job anymore.
I used to be so thrilled and enthusiastic about it. I used to be happy to go there and dreaded days off or holidays, because i would feel useless without work.
But now i feel useless at work...

I feel like its such an unnecessary and stupid thing I am doing for a living.
I mean, i sell Fast-food. Unhealthy, unnecessary, Fast-food.
I dont really help anyone with it, nor am I unique at what I am doing.
I am actually super-replaceable.
There is so many ppl that can do my job as a manageress and are more made for it than I am.

I just noticed, that even though, I always thought it is the perfect and ultimate job for me, I am not cold-hearted and enough of a "force-person" for it. I am simply too much drawn by emotions and I cant blend out my heart and feelings at my job (nor anywhere else in my life ;))
But when i look at all the ones that are above me in the company, those that  are successful in their job there, that hold high-positions or are my boss, are exactly what I am not.

Theyre not emotional, they seem to be cold and strong. They are able to focus on profit more than people and never have a bad conciousness.
They dont fear anyone,really and dont doubt their decisions. They stay strong, even if someone hates them, for what or ho they do certain things.
I cant do that and I most likely dont wanna do that.

Not now, nor forever.

And thats the point. I donno what to do anymore...
Work makes me sick and i panic, as soon as i just slightly think about returning on friday.
but I also donno what to do otherwise:
I have never done anything else and i cant inagine not working in food services. but i also dont wanna work with food anymore or for the rest of my life. i mean, i hate food. especially fast food. it makes me nervous to be around it all day and my situation seems to constantly become worse.
but what shell i do?
i have a year left as a trainee/apprentice til i am done and can start doing something else.

But i simply dont know, if:

A) Ill get thru this year without breaking down
B) If its not a waste of time, if I dont wanna continue afterwards anyways
C) If I even have another choice
D) If I have the strenght to start all over again

Because:

A) I am twenty
B) I am not allowed to go to university in Germany to study
C) I already had to quit an apprenticeship 2 years ago because I got hospitalized
D) I need money to pay rent
E) I graduated in 2010, future bosses will ask what happened in between
---> another broken up apprenticeship doesnt look too good in your resume
 F) I still (visibly) suffer from an ED

wtf. This simply annoys me to the max!

How did you go on with work while recovering/suffering from ED?
Did you tell your (future) boss?
Any ideas how to find out, what job is right for you?

Ps.: nature makes me happy :)


xoxo,
Mary

Christmas

Hi everyone!
Today, I decided to do a more happy post. Nothing whiny, nothing about ED or my current situation.
Just something random fitting the season....

Christmas time :)

Well, I found this challenge on a lovely designed blog and I think I wanna participate, even though its kinda late to start. But whatever. So this post is gonna be fitting the 2nd Advent (today!) and will be "picturey".
YAY for that.
Who doesnt like pictures,huh?!

Okay so lets start.

1.Your favorite Christmas movie

Well, I am German, so I guess it must be a German movie and surprise,surprise it IS!

Das Mädchen mit den Schwefelhölzern

--> Its more likely a German fairy-tale, but there is a movie to it. Its a really sad but realistic story about a poor little girl in the 19th century I think, that doesnt have a family and tries to keep itself warm with a box of matches on Christmas and watches all the happy families. Well its sad, but stunning.

3. When/How did you learn that Santa wasnt real?

I never believed in Santa, cause I didnt get raised like that. In Germany its usually the "Christkind" that brings the presents and I am raised very catholic, so we didnt do the whole comemercial-christmas with Santa.

We believed that Jesus as a baby/child  or an Angel brings the presents.

So I never had to learn Santa isnt real, cause I still believe that Jesus was :)

4.Favorite Christmas song

Oh my god. I donno. There is so many. I love the traditional German ones like 

"Stille Nacht, Heilige Nacht"

(silent night, holy night) and 

"Schneeglöckchen, Weißröckchen" 

as well as I like (shame on me!) 

"Last Christmas" by Wham...

Best sounds on Christmas is the bells from Church anyways :)

5.Best gift you´ve ever received & 7. Most memorable Christmas

A trip to DISNEY LAND over the Christmas holidays, best trip and present EVER  !!!

Okay you guys, enough for now :)
Enjoy Christmas season and dont let ED ruin it!
xoxo,
Mary

bottomless pit?

Hi there. Thanks for reading and commenting, I love you lots for that, i really appreciate your opinions and enjoy reading them lots :)

Right now, despite all your beautiful tips and encouragement, I still feel like everything is going down.
I#m super unhappy right now and sadly all my attempts to change that, dont seem to work out.

I hate my job.
Well, lets say I hate my boss.
I can#t stand the unreasonability anymore. I cant stand that she yells at me all the time (for nothing) anymore.
That she always vents her anger on me, no matter if shes just on smoke-withdrawal or didnt sleep well.
That she compares me to another girl, that doesnt work as good as I do and I am still worse in her eyes.
I cant stand that the other girl always wins praise for things I did.
And more over, that I always get in trouble for things, the other one has done wrong,
its so unfair!

Right now I am on holidays, but I wish I would never have to go back.
I just need some encouragement, some praise for what I do.
But the opposite is the case:
No matter how hard I work, no matter how good my marks are, its still not good enough.
There is so much pressure, that they put on me, that I dont think I can handle it anymore.

It worsens my state of mind (esp. ED-wise) day to day.
I noticed, that I am slipping off track lately and that the last 2 weeks have done alot of harm to me.
I dont know how to get thru this for another year, without breaking down.
I really dont.

I dont eat, I dont sleep, I am depressed.
And that sucks.
I know that I need to get help, that I am seriously getting sick again and I dont know how I should gain back my strength without help from outside.
But on the other hand, I dont wanna admit that.
That I am sick, that I need help.
Because I am underweight. No doubt on that one, but not as seriously underweight as I used to be.
So I feel like, if I would admit to needing help, everyone would laugh.
They wouldnt understand.
Because I feel, like they wouldnt see. 
Like they would think: "wtf? she doenst look seriously ill, not threatening anorexic, like she used to be, why does she think, she needs help?maybe she needs attention, but thats it. she should suck it up."

you get that? For me I am not sick, not allowed to get help, because I dont weigh xx anymore.
It all sucks.
I can just wait. Sit here and wait that it might get better, or worse to a state where I will get help without asking for it.
I donno.
Its a bottomless pit...

my story - part 3

Hi everyone out there!
Ive noticed, Ive got quite a few readers and I am sorry to disappoint you guys and not write lately.
But like I said, I was really sick and didnt really have the chance/strength to do so.

Thank you for everyone that wished me well, that really means alot to me.
By today, I can gladly say I am on my way and I am slowly getting better :)

Anyways, so today I want to go on with my story, finally.

- Part 3 -

So well, my body couldnt gain so much in so little time.
My mind couldnt either. A few kgs or lbs were ok,but not so many.
Christmas time was rollin around.Nearly everyone, I cared about at the clinic, was planned to get released in order to be home in time to celebrate with their families.
(I mean, there were moms and dads between the patients so I can totally understand.)
I wasnt.
I wasnt even allowed to go home for a day on Christmas.
I was supposed to get visited.
That deprived me,but Christmas had never been that important in my family anyways, so I really didnt care that much. The only thing that seriously worried me, was that I wouldnt be able to be visited.

the snowstorm came...

The news were rambling everyday, that a  
huge snowstorm would come up soon and
last until the end of the year.
 (That was around mid/late December)
I was terrified.
 
Alone in that huge building on Christmas, noone around exept some nurse from time to time.
My mum wouldnt drive, if the snow gets too crazy, I knew that. She said it.




So one eve, after watching the News with everyone in our little "living room", I called home.
I asked my mum, if she would pick me up the next day.
I explained it to her and she understood.

I am still sorry, I put her in those situations though.She had to make some of the toughest decisions of her life:

Do I want my daughter, my only one, to be alone on Christmas and me too?
Do I want her in the clinic, save , but depressed,sad and on her own?
Do I want her home, but still be sick and scarily underweight, but at least not lonely and less depressed?

She decided to take me home.
To feed me.
Bought ensures, made me drink them.
And I was willing to do so.
(You have to know that my mums a doctor and for the sake of that, the clinic was "willing" to release me)

Through the festivities, the company of the people I love and that love me, I gained 3kg being home.
By new years eve they were gone again.
I dont know why, I dont know how.
I was on a really good way, mentally and physically. I ate properly, I felt good. I gained weight, I was proud that I would meet the criteria I had to get back to work, but...
...I screwed up!

I donno, I suddenly got scared, puked and it was gone.
I guess it kinda gave me an insurance, that if I wanted, I could gain and loose.
That I am still owner of my body. That I am the one that pulls the strings.
Not some therapist, no doctor, nor my mum or anyone else.
If I wanted to recover, I would do so.
(I thought)
Obviously that was stupid.
Really stupid.
Because by the time, the new year had begun, my weight was lower than when I left work at the hotel.
And I only had a month left to gain it back, or the hotel director wouldnt take me back.
I panicked.

So my mom called the clinic again, begged to take me in again. Begged, so that I would go again.
So I promised, convinced them, I would work with them, not against them anymore.
I went back. After only being home for what? like 3 or 4 weeks?
I definitely felt like a major failure now.
Especially, because I still knew a couple of the other patients that were still there and had only taken "clinic holliday" over christmas. It was crazy..
Anyways, same contract, same everything.

5 weeks later I got sent home, because I didnt meet the contract.
I didnt gain enough and I went outside again without being allowed to do so.
But mostly didnt gain enough.
Thats it.
"End of story.", I thought. 

Its not.
Otherwise I wouldnt be writing now.
And Ill go on.In a few days or a week  maybe. But thats enough for now, its always pretty tough to write it all down, cause I feel like I am reliving all these situations again, while in the same time, they seem so super-far away and blurry to me.
Weird, but helpful.

xoxo,
Mary

sickooooo...

Hi everyone!
Nope, I didnt forget my blog and I didnt forget to update my story.
And for once, I didnt post at all,cause I was working.

I am sick.
Really,really sick.

I mean like,I didnt "catch the flu" or so, Ive been at the hospital all last weekend and home all week. They wanted to keep me there all week, but I begged to go to work.
But on Tuesday I couldnt go, so I had to call in sick.
I havent really moved since then and I am feeling quite awful.
Its pretty shameful, but I guess and I truly truly hope Ill be able to work on Monday, cause I feel so bad, not being there to help. I know  thats stupid cause It would be really risky for my on health and for the sake of others to go in, but what can u do,I got the biggest (unreasonable) bad conciousness you can imagine...

Whatever stay tuned, there will be more updates on this blog soon.
:)
Mary

Mia has grown so much...its crazy.

my story: part#2

Hello, you guys out there!
I know, you read my last post. Noone of you commented on it though. (thank you kat! :))
I dont really care, cause I dont want pity,but sometimes, I just simply wish, Id have an opinion on such serious topics.Sometimes.

Well, anyways I hope my story doesnt trigger anyone and I am not sure yet, if I wanna include any numbers. Cause, when I noticed, that you read silently, I felt a little bad.
It felt, like I was doing harm by sharing my story and getting rid of these racking thoughts and memories of mine.
But it helps me.
And thats the intention behind it.
Other than maybe helping others 
by being a shocking example - something you dont wanna turn into. Hopefully.

So today I am going to share another part of my history. ED-wisely.

So I was back home.

I ate 5 meals a day. Every day. I went back to school.On a daily basis.

But I hated it.

School was a fricken torture for me every.single.day.

The moment I got back to school, I had been gone for nearly 5 month. And obviously my friends knew.

But over time, not only my friends knew. My whole grade knew.

Every teacher.

The grade below, the grade above.

It was awful. Really. Everyone was starring at me. Looking at my skinny-sticky legs and talking about me.

Sometimes laughing. 

But that wasnt the worst, the worst, I thought, was, that some younger girls were looking up to me. 

Seeing me as a role model....Thinking about that, it still kills me.

My marks werent good anymore, I still couldnt find back my concentration and I couldnt stand sitting on a damn chair all day long (other than it hurt my bum anyways).

I had just been released from a clinic in which I wasnt allowed to go out more than 30minutes a day. 

Where sometimes I wasnt allowed to go out at all. And where I always had to have company, when I wanted to leave the building.

I wanted to be finally free again. I wanted to use my freedom, to run around. To exercise, to make myself so tired during the day that I would fall to bed in the evening and sleep right away.

I wanted to use the fuel, I was giving my body for the first time in years.

So it was itching in my feet all day and I was always eager to get up and get going while I was in class.

I quit school.

My teachers recommended to do so, so I left my gymnasium after 12 years of school 

(in Germany u need 13 years to archieve a High School Diploma that allows you to go to University)

For the first time in a while I felt free. I felt happy and I felt mature.

All of my friends where still going to school, but I already graduated. For once, I wasnt the sick one, the looser anymore.

But my dad definitely had a different opinion on that one.

He told me that I am "a looser". Moreover he told me, that I am a failure.

And not his daughter anymore.

He would have no reason to be proud of me anymore, because I quit school and would never go to university. I would never become a doctor or a lawyer or anything great like that.

I would just always be a failure.

And he didnt want a failure to be his child.

He kicked me out.

Abonded his own daughter from the family. 

I was not party of his perfect family anymore. I was making too much trouble and he had enough of that, he said. I was just to much work, to much effort, he would have had to invest. He wasnt willing to do so.

So I moved out.

Fast forward.

Moved in my own apartment, started an Internship at a well-known 5*- Hotel, had alot of fun there.

My parents divorced. My mum didnt have a place to live, I didnt have money, she moved in with me.

We finally bought a kitchen ( didnt have one before). 

Still ate 5 meals a day.

But then my work schedule changed.

It wasnt steady like in the beginning anymore. Sometimes I would start at 4am, sometimes at 7am, sometimes at 9pm, sometimes noon,once end my day at 2pm, sometimes end it at 3 am 

(and start an hour later again with work...)

On the inside, the safe cage of eating-routine, I had build myself by eating at set times everyday, was breaking. Just like the "Jenga-tower" when you remove pieces little by little.

I still had lots of struggles eating in front of others, so at work my breakfast would usually be

 
a Cappucino and a cigarette. 
Sometimes I would be willing to eat a granola bar or a pear.

At noon, we didnt really have the time to eat. If we had a couple of minutes, Id eat an apple.

Granny Smith, the green ones. Nothing else. Never.


If Id have nightshift, Id eat the usual stuff at home, but my portions were shrinking. 

And at work, I couldnt get mysel to eating anything. It was too late to eat!! *insert panic here* 

During 3 month, I lost 6kg, which is approx. 12 lb.

I was feeling weird, sick and weak.

Like the outsider again.

Everyone noticed, I lost weight and didnt eat much, They bothered me everyday.

Tried to make me eat. Gave me chocolate (I would hide in my pocket after acting like I ate it)

and candy and and and.

Then my boss called me.

Head manager of the Hotel.

Me, tiny,  and insecure Ms.Mary.

He told me to take 8 weeks off, go to the hospital, gain strength and then come back.

He said: Id work hard, very good and reliable, so I would keep my job when I return.

I was impressed.

And I had no other choice than taking the offer, cause I couldnt even set one feet for another anymore and I was freezing to death in the cold of a harsh November.

My mom picked out a clinic for me and drove me there. 

I was anxious and mad, but I was too tired and exhausted to do anything other than packing my stuff and giving in. Giving my life in some therapists hands again. Only 6 month after I had left the other behind.

I was lighter than ever this time.

My skin was pale and see-through. My back was full of tiny little hair and my eyes where way too big for my head. And then the shock:

They didnt wanna keep me there.

My weight was too dangerous, the wanted a feeding tube.

I didnt.

I cried, I kicked, I screamed, I begged. and it worked.
They kept me there, but they had stricter rules for me than for the others.

The clinic was mixed. There were 2 Bulimics, another Anorexic and others that had Burn-Out and Depression or Anxiety, nothig to do with EDs.
All the ED patients there got contracts with set weight goals. And a system of punishment and reward.
( again, WTF why do all clinics think that helps?!)

For me, the contract got changed.

I wasnt allowed to leave the building for 3 weeks,

I had to gain 10lb during the fist 4 weeks,

I wasnt allowed to be visited any other day than sunday,

I had to eat 6 meals AND drink 4 ensures daily (controlled obviously)

I got weight and measured every morning.

But the worst:

I had to stay in the clinic every day until I gained at least 15lb.

Everyone else stationed there were allowed to get visits, leave the clinic for a walk AND to leave and try out being at home EVERY WEEKEND.
I was the only one, that stayed there. No visitors, no TV. No therapy, no other patients.
Only me, music, food,food,food and the Ensures.
The only conctact I had with civilisations between friday eve and monday morning was the nurse that "fed" me everyday and my mum that came for 2h on sundays.
When my brother visited me, we sneaked out of the clinic.
We spent an awesome day walking in the woods, but I didnt come home in time and they noticed that I broke the rules.

 I had to drink 6 ensures that day.

I hated the clinic and I never met the conctract. I really didnt purge, puke, restrict or anything. They controlled me so much, that I didnt even have the chance to do so. But they wanted me to do impossible things. Gain 15lb in 4 weeks.
I mean, I still cant believe they think a body can do that.

Mine at least couldnt.

...
to be continued.