Hi there. Thanks for reading and commenting, I love you lots for that, i really appreciate your opinions and enjoy reading them lots :)
Right now, despite all your beautiful tips and encouragement, I still feel like everything is going down.
I#m super unhappy right now and sadly all my attempts to change that, dont seem to work out.
I hate my job.
Well, lets say I hate my boss.
I can#t stand the unreasonability anymore. I cant stand that she yells at me all the time (for nothing) anymore.
That she always vents her anger on me, no matter if shes just on smoke-withdrawal or didnt sleep well.
That she compares me to another girl, that doesnt work as good as I do and I am still worse in her eyes.
I cant stand that the other girl always wins praise for things I did.
And more over, that I always get in trouble for things, the other one has done wrong,
its so unfair!
Right now I am on holidays, but I wish I would never have to go back.
I just need some encouragement, some praise for what I do.
But the opposite is the case:
No matter how hard I work, no matter how good my marks are, its still not good enough.
There is so much pressure, that they put on me, that I dont think I can handle it anymore.
It worsens my state of mind (esp. ED-wise) day to day.
I noticed, that I am slipping off track lately and that the last 2 weeks have done alot of harm to me.
I dont know how to get thru this for another year, without breaking down.
I really dont.
I dont eat, I dont sleep, I am depressed.
And that sucks.
I know that I need to get help, that I am seriously getting sick again and I dont know how I should gain back my strength without help from outside.
But on the other hand, I dont wanna admit that.
That I am sick, that I need help.
Because I am underweight. No doubt on that one, but not as seriously underweight as I used to be.
So I feel like, if I would admit to needing help, everyone would laugh.
They wouldnt understand.
Because I feel, like they wouldnt see.
Like they would think: "wtf? she doenst look seriously ill, not threatening anorexic, like she used to be, why does she think, she needs help?maybe she needs attention, but thats it. she should suck it up."
you get that? For me I am not sick, not allowed to get help, because I dont weigh xx anymore.
It all sucks.
I can just wait. Sit here and wait that it might get better, or worse to a state where I will get help without asking for it.
I donno.
Its a bottomless pit...
Oh...girl...don't think that! It doesn't matter if you aren't as low in weight as you where before. You are still sick, and I completely understand you. However, it's not correct it's just your mind tricking you, try to cover up the truth. It doesn't matter what weight you're at, your (ED) mind is where the problem is. YOU ARE WORTH IT. YOU DESERVE ANYTHING YOUR HEART WANTS. I know you may not believe it, but I'm telling you anyways...and I'll do so until you believe so. You can't sit there and wait, trust me, it's not going to get better. When your slipping, that's when you try the most. Ask for help. Nobody is going to tell you to suck it up. That's probably just fear and and evil mind again. Nobody would say that, nobody will even think it. Admitting you need help, it never something that people would laugh at. Admitting help is also not a defeat. It is a victory. With your job... I understand the whole being compared to and not getting credit. I'm not sure how you handle her doing such things, but you need to stick up for yourself. You need to give it right back to her, with some people... you just gotta except that some people are just jerks and be able to say you don't give a crap you are a human being who deserves to be treated better and that who you can't be hurt by other people, cause you like who you are.(pardon my language) This takes a while to grasp, I still struggle too, but keep trying! Trust me IT GETS BETTER! Also...maybe... quit (the job)? I mean, if your having problems don't put up with it. There are probably tons of places that are waiting out there, and will treat you better. I know things look dark right now, but don't loose hope! There is light a light so bright its heavenly. Don't give up, please. I really, really believe in you and am prying you'll find a way, I know you can. I've got ya. Hang in.
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-with love