my story - part 3

Hi everyone out there!
Ive noticed, Ive got quite a few readers and I am sorry to disappoint you guys and not write lately.
But like I said, I was really sick and didnt really have the chance/strength to do so.

Thank you for everyone that wished me well, that really means alot to me.
By today, I can gladly say I am on my way and I am slowly getting better :)

Anyways, so today I want to go on with my story, finally.

- Part 3 -

So well, my body couldnt gain so much in so little time.
My mind couldnt either. A few kgs or lbs were ok,but not so many.
Christmas time was rollin around.Nearly everyone, I cared about at the clinic, was planned to get released in order to be home in time to celebrate with their families.
(I mean, there were moms and dads between the patients so I can totally understand.)
I wasnt.
I wasnt even allowed to go home for a day on Christmas.
I was supposed to get visited.
That deprived me,but Christmas had never been that important in my family anyways, so I really didnt care that much. The only thing that seriously worried me, was that I wouldnt be able to be visited.

the snowstorm came...

The news were rambling everyday, that a  
huge snowstorm would come up soon and
last until the end of the year.
 (That was around mid/late December)
I was terrified.
 
Alone in that huge building on Christmas, noone around exept some nurse from time to time.
My mum wouldnt drive, if the snow gets too crazy, I knew that. She said it.




So one eve, after watching the News with everyone in our little "living room", I called home.
I asked my mum, if she would pick me up the next day.
I explained it to her and she understood.

I am still sorry, I put her in those situations though.She had to make some of the toughest decisions of her life:

Do I want my daughter, my only one, to be alone on Christmas and me too?
Do I want her in the clinic, save , but depressed,sad and on her own?
Do I want her home, but still be sick and scarily underweight, but at least not lonely and less depressed?

She decided to take me home.
To feed me.
Bought ensures, made me drink them.
And I was willing to do so.
(You have to know that my mums a doctor and for the sake of that, the clinic was "willing" to release me)

Through the festivities, the company of the people I love and that love me, I gained 3kg being home.
By new years eve they were gone again.
I dont know why, I dont know how.
I was on a really good way, mentally and physically. I ate properly, I felt good. I gained weight, I was proud that I would meet the criteria I had to get back to work, but...
...I screwed up!

I donno, I suddenly got scared, puked and it was gone.
I guess it kinda gave me an insurance, that if I wanted, I could gain and loose.
That I am still owner of my body. That I am the one that pulls the strings.
Not some therapist, no doctor, nor my mum or anyone else.
If I wanted to recover, I would do so.
(I thought)
Obviously that was stupid.
Really stupid.
Because by the time, the new year had begun, my weight was lower than when I left work at the hotel.
And I only had a month left to gain it back, or the hotel director wouldnt take me back.
I panicked.

So my mom called the clinic again, begged to take me in again. Begged, so that I would go again.
So I promised, convinced them, I would work with them, not against them anymore.
I went back. After only being home for what? like 3 or 4 weeks?
I definitely felt like a major failure now.
Especially, because I still knew a couple of the other patients that were still there and had only taken "clinic holliday" over christmas. It was crazy..
Anyways, same contract, same everything.

5 weeks later I got sent home, because I didnt meet the contract.
I didnt gain enough and I went outside again without being allowed to do so.
But mostly didnt gain enough.
Thats it.
"End of story.", I thought. 

Its not.
Otherwise I wouldnt be writing now.
And Ill go on.In a few days or a week  maybe. But thats enough for now, its always pretty tough to write it all down, cause I feel like I am reliving all these situations again, while in the same time, they seem so super-far away and blurry to me.
Weird, but helpful.

xoxo,
Mary