Life with Gerwin...simply eat!

Hi everyone!
So better now than never or lets just say late but not too late, I am gonna share my story.
Not my whole one, I mean like all of the other bloggers do. Talking about how their ED started, lowest point,recovery,...
NO!
I am going to share a little piece of what has happened lately because it is one of the big pieces in my ED-puzzle. Little by little, Illl reveil more and more so that in the end, it all makes sense.

Anyhow.

Like the ones who read my blog recently know, my mum has had a surveire accident about 6 weeks ago by now. She was hit by a motorcyclist right in front of our apartment building and everyone thought shes not gonna make it.
Well, she did.
Now she is sitting in a wheelchair.
Yeah thats life.
One second changes everything. Think about it: ONE damn SECOND.
Well eventually ( we all hope so) she will be able to walk again [one day] but its for sure that she will rely on that wheelie for another 4 to 6 weeks and walk on crutches (if everything goes well) for the next year.
She lost 2 teeth.The front ones.Yuck.And her chin is broken so she will not b able to eat anything other than things cooked to the point where they fall apart when you touch them with your tongue and basicly have a texture that makes it impossible to define if youre eating pureed pumpkin or chicken right now.
Well that about her.
BUT to be honest, I am glad its only that. She could be not living with me anymore, being in the wide open.
So I am thankful.I truly am, cause I was raised straight catholic and I got firm beliefs in god and that he sets up everything for us. Every end is a new beginning and if he does something, it has something good to it.
Im sure.


For me and [Gerwin] <--my ED, not my pet.
it wasnt easy being alone all of the sudden, but I guess we got along quite well (which is the problem)
Before the accident we hadnt talked for a while, cause my hard work made it impossible to think of anything else than that and whenever I would have eventually had the time to think, I slept. Being completely exhausted.

So we came closer. Gerwin became my friend again.
My mentor,my brother,my dad, my life.
 And that is (like most of you will understand) not good.NOT good AT ALL.
Because with my Gerwin its not like with everyone elses. He doenst only influence me on my eating habits ( well more over not eating i guess) he influences my whole addiction - nature.

Day 1:
Gerwin made me smoke my pack of cigarettes, that I usally take a few days for in a few hours.
Gerwin made me scream and happily throw out nearly all the food we had in our fridge,cupboards, kitchen,etc.
Gerwin made me proud.[stupid.]


 


Day 2:
Gerwin made me buy a whole bottle of Gin and drink [..insert further happenings..] with some guy I didnt even know his name at the point.
Gerwin made me feel awful.

Day 3:
Gerwin made me go grocery shopping and come home with an apple and a pack of skim-milk that were my eats for the next 5 days.
Gerwin made me feel bad.

Day 4:
Gerwin made me ... to be continued.

I guess you see where this is going.
And now that my mum is back home, it feels so weird.
I am not alone with him anymore and that sadly freaks me out,
we fight more than we ever have (my mum and I) and I asbsolutely HATE it.
But its hard to do something against it.
I feel so powerless, so completely caught up in my EDs arms.
Like its trying to squish me.
But I need to stop that.NOW.

I already made a beginning.
I ate a little more.At work.The last nightshifts I didnt only live of coffee, energy and smokes.
I ate a bun.Cheers.But better than nothing.
I started eating a  few bites of yoghurt and half an apple a day too.
Its baby.steps and you might laugh.
You might feel bad about yourself now. Fat and disgusted cause u eat more.
BUT that wasnt my intention.
Because I have to feel disgusted by myself and my eating habits.
Its disgusting that I dont eat much.
And I dare to come to the point again, where I am just as strong as you girls out there.
That kick yourself in the ass every.single.day
grap a knife and a fork and push yourself to new limits.
By doing what we all learned to do when we were babys.
Simply eat.
And I will.
I will simply eat.

Thanks.